People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
