I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
