Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
