yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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