They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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