I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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