I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
