dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
