i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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