Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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