hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
