Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
