so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
im having a threesome with these popsicles
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
