im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
