i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
