this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
