I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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