Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
