I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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