mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize