All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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