he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
