My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
