when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
