Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
