He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
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You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
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sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
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