when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
