All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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