Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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