He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
