Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
