I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He felt like a one man threesome
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
