yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
