Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
