I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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