I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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