i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
