She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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