4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
