Christians are straight up FREAKS
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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