Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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