Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I supernannyed him into submission
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
