Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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