u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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