youre lurking in front of me
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
