they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
