awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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