I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
