Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
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Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
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I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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