Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
