The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
