I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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