So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
