Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
