I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
