He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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