Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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